Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Looking a gift horse in the mouth

Dear Tesco,
Thank you very much for the gift voucher I received with my shopping in store today. It really was very kind of you. It shows that as well as being a hard-nosed multinational shopping chain, you do have a heart of gold. Now please don’t think I am looking a gift horse in the mouth, three pounds off my next in-store shop of over twenty pounds really is a most generous gift and I really am most grateful.
Except it isn’t that generous, is it? Because you know I will never, ever use it.
Thanks to the Tesco Clubcard, the little loyalty card I bleep each time I shop, you know more about me than I do myself. Your online shopping recommendations, suggest you know exactly how many eggs I use a month, how much honey I like on my porridge and exactly how often I wipe my bum. And the email offering my Tesco life insurance and money off gym membership suggests you know just how unhealthy my diet is.
Therefore, you also must know that I haven’t spent twenty pounds or more in-store for over a year and the likelihood of me doing so is as remote as the chances of Theresa May being remembered as a fine stateswoman. But you already know that because you know I use your wonderful delivery service. Therefore, your offer of three pounds off my next twenty quid shop is somewhat of an empty gesture.
But maybe there was a way to take advantage of your wonderful offer.
My first thought was to give it to my sister who, with two kids and a car, would probably be able to make use of it, but no, my own generosity was scuppered by the small print, this coupon must be used by the Clubcard owner.
I thought, I shall use your wonderful gift for my online shopping, but no, the small print again, only for in-store purchases.
Ah, I thought, I shall buy a bottle of Welsh whisky, but the small print says no alcohol.
Eureka, I exclaimed while lying in the bath. I shall buy a twenty-pound gift card for seventeen pounds so I can use it over several shops. But I hadn’t got it at all, you guessed it, no gift cards.
In fact, the small print is rather lengthy, no infant milk, clothing, prescriptions, stamps, phone top-ups, fuel, lottery, travel money, opticians, milk, cheese, bread, fruit, tinned goods, and cereals. (I may have exaggerated a little, but as the small print also forbids me from publishing the token, you will never know.)
Maybe, I thought, as I am such a valued customer, Tesco will give me a similar offer when I check out of my online shopping, but no, no offer, no three pound off your next online shop, just a thank you for shopping at Tesco.

So, thank you Tesco for your gift, I am off to buy twenty pounds worth of potatoes for seventeen quid. (Oh no, just checked the small print and potatoes are on the banned list.)


Don't forget, my two novels, Maggie's Milkman and Extraordinary Rendition are both available to buy as physical books  So, if you fancy owning one of my novels, click on the links below and get your credit card out :-). Signed copies available from the author. 

Maggie's Milkman

Extraordinary Rendition.

I wonder if Tesco could stock them :-) 

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