Monday, 28 November 2016

The Toilet 1

Please do not eat and read at the same time . It might put you off your cornflakes. 
Andre had never seen a toilet like it in his life. It was just a hole in the floor. What in the name of God was he supposed to do with that? His stomach gurgled and grumbled as it had been doing since he'd eaten the radish and prawn cake thing from the street vendor. He let out a groan as a cramp grasped his insides and wrung them out like wet washing.  He knew there was no time to look for another establishment; it was now or never. He unbuckled his belt and undid the top button of his jeans, while still trying to figure out just how you were meant to use the weird contraption. The relief of undoing the jeans made him wonder if he could make it to another loo. But the constraint rumbling of thunder from within suggested he had to stay put. He assessed the alternatives. 
Squat? Stand up? Hover? Take the jeans off completely, or just pull them down? He had lots of options, but no idea as to which one to use. 
Make up your bloody mind, his stomach screamed in the form of another cramp. He wanted to squat, but his limited knowledge of physics suggested the flow would be straight into his jeans. Ready or not her I move, his bowels yelled. Instinct took over now, he dropped his trousers and crouched down. Using one hand to pull the fabric forward so as to ensure there were no mishaps. He was just in time. One second longer and it would have been a disaster. 
He sighed the sigh of a relieved man. 
He felt around for the toilet paper. New problem. There was none! He looked behind him, looked above him, looked from side to side, nothing. He had tissues in his pocket. He felt around for them but the effort of pulling them out meant his left foot slipped from under him. His right hand tried to grab something, anything to stop him from falling but it could only capture thin air. His body tilted backwards and his bum landed with a rather disgusting splash.

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