The Coldplay Theory

‘Fake plastic watering cans. – Makes no sense,’ said Steve, ‘it’s complete nonsense. How on earth can you have a fake watering can? Either it is a watering can or it isn’t. What is a fake watering can? Maybe a milk bottle used to water flowers; but then that’s not really a watering can. Or a watering can with no holes in the spout, but that makes no sense.’

‘Ah maybe it’s the plastic that is fake.’ said Johnny feeling pleased with himself.

‘Yeah, I’d thought about that too.’ said Steve.

Of course you have, thought Johnny, you’ve bloody well thought of everything.

‘So fake plastic? What the fuck is that? Making counterfeit plastic is not exactly going to make someone rich is it?’

Johnny smiled, he had to admit that Steve had a point, it was nonsense but then again it was a song and most songs made little sense. It really wasn’t worth wasting precious time worrying about it.
'Maybe,' said Steve, 'Tom with an H York with an E bought a Gucci watering can and then got home to discover it was a fake Gucci, but who the hell buys designer label watering cans?'

‘Build a bridge and get over it Steve. You think too much, who the hell cares?’

‘I do. It’s important someone questions this nonsense, otherwise they get away with it like Coldplay. It's the emperor's new clothes, someone has to be the first to say that they are naked.' Steve paused for a fraction of a second before continuing.  'Have I ever told you my Coldplay theory?’

‘No, but I have a feeling you are going to.’ Johnny was not wrong.

‘Coldplay when they came out were quite good. Yellow and all that stuff from Parachutes was okay,  a bit nothingy, bit middle of the road but okay.’ Johnny nodded his agreement.

‘The thing about them was timing, the music scene was a disaster at the time. They filled a gap and everyone loved them. But since then they have just got worse and worse.’ Steve ran his fingers through his still immaculate but now receding hair.  ‘Well I sometimes ask myself how 4 intelligent men like them who have proven they can make okay music, now  make such utter shite.’

‘It is shite.’ agreed Johnny with a nod.

‘Well I reckon, and this is my theory, that they have a plan. Every time they make a new album, they purposely make it worse than the one before just to see if they can get away with it; how far they can push it. So they write nonsense lyrics, produce bland music with over the top arrangements etc, etc.  Coldplay know that the music execs, the TV and radio people are so far up their arses that anything they write is considered as gold.’

‘So you’re saying, ‘ said Johnny who’d been listening patiently, ‘that they make crap on purpose just to see if they can get away with it?’

‘Yep.’ Steve looked pleased with himself.

‘Bullshit.’

‘I’m telling you, they are laughing their arses off at us, they can’t believe they get away with it. Why else would they make such utter rubbish?’

‘Um, maybe because they are lazy, rich and  spend all their time counting their money - far removed from the real world’ said Johnny stating facts rather than wild conjecture.

‘Well there is that I suppose, but wouldn't it be good if my theory was true?'