Tuesday 8 October 2013

Did Paul Simon get bored and give up? - A Steve Rant




‘This song doesn’t make any sense you know.’ Steve pointed his finger in the air at the music being piped into the bar.
Johnny sighed, a sentence like that could only mean one thing, Steve was going off on one and nothing was going to stop him.
‘Why not?’ said Johnny with the tone of a man resigned to his fate.
‘Well actually,’ Steve paused choosing his words carefully, ‘it does make sense, it just doesn’t do what it claims to. It’s a let down.’
‘Go on.’
‘Well it makes a grandiose claim and then fails to live up to it, 50 ways to leave your lover it says but then listen, he only actually comes up with 4 and even they are pretty lame. I mean, hop on the bus Gus? That’s rubbish, what if the lover is on the bus? It’s like Paul Simon started writing the song and then just got bored and gave up.’
Steve timed his speech perfectly and pointed his finger in the air again as Paul Simon sang the chorus. Johnny listened and nodded.
‘Isn’t it 6?’ Johnny asked listening to the song. there’s six lines in the chorus.
‘No, the lazy bastard can’t even get to six, no need to be coy Roy and don’t need to discuss much cannot be claimed in any way to be ways to leave your lover, they are just bits of advice when you do it. Come to think of it make a new plan Stan isn’t one either so we’re down to three.’ Steve took a swig of beer. ‘Christ I could do better,  Send her a text, Rex, Do it by phone Joan, tell it to her friend Ken, do a midnight flit, Mitt. There’s that’s four already.’
‘Yeah yeah I get your point, another beer?’ Steve nodded and Johnny headed towards the bar trying desperately to think of more ways to leave your lover. Tell her to her face, Jase, he thought just as the barman asked him for his order.


Can we get to fifty ways? Remember any 'way' needs to rhyme with a name. Leave your 'ways to leave a lover' in the comments below.

29 comments:

  1. A couple that didn't make it to the story
    Just get up and leave, Steve.
    It's not me it's you, Stu

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is all to quaggy, Maggie

    ReplyDelete
  3. You'll be happier with a different fella, Ella

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am not looking for a serious affair, Claire

    ReplyDelete
  5. it's someone better you deserve, Merve:)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love you but I'm not in love with you, Lou

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm not ready, Teddy:)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm not the right fella, Ella:)

    ReplyDelete
  9. It's not you it's me Lee
    I think that I'm gay Jay

    ReplyDelete
  10. I must confess I'm a man, Dan

    ReplyDelete
  11. And that's that, Pat.
    Everything's been said, Brad
    Let's move on, John

    ReplyDelete
  12. Can't fight the fate, Kate.
    Let's face the truth, Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  13. It was the last kick, Dick.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Save your breath, Gareth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well... I would say it in such a way that it would:) and as a non-native speaker I would be forgiven:)

      Delete
    2. Say goodbye to my pelvis, mr Davies. ...ooops sorry i wanted to say Elvis :-)

      Delete
  15. We're at different points in our lives, Miles:) does it rhyme better?

    ReplyDelete
  16. We can’t keep it together, Heather.

    ReplyDelete
  17. We are made of different clay, May.
    I prefer my honda, Wanda.
    You will thank me one day, Ray.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I don't love you anymore, Isidor.
    I'm still in love with my ex, Rex.
    I just got a job in Shanghai, Guy.
    I need more space, Grace.
    Farewell, Mel.
    I'm sorry, I can't, Grant.
    It's over, Glover.
    I can't give you what you need, Rasheed.
    I need some time apart, Bart.
    I'm not your Mr Darcy, Marcy.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I would like to believe, Eve
    But I've lost my soul, Paul
    Love is like any spam, Pam
    I must to throw it away, Jay
    Don't push me to you or to him, Tim
    I'm not the fool as you like, Spike
    Keep together should be insane, Jane
    I took you for a silly, Billy
    I'm the worst mate, Kate
    My ex is still in my head, Fred
    Something wrong is going to cook, Brooke
    It's a big mistake, Blake
    I have another one to choose, Bruce
    A slave is what you're looking for, Thor
    Not worth one more word or feel, Phil
    We built a lies' palace, Wallace
    All of this is a fake, Blake
    Not enough the half, Ralph
    It will cost me an arm and leg, Meg
    I'm not the guy, Faye
    Don't make a blood and thunder, Amber
    Stars have not longer shone, John
    Till no longer a dawn, Shawn.

    As we have more than 50 shown, Noam
    You have something barred, Bart
    gave her a lime and a sand, Stan
    leave love for bare it, Gareth.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dear Mr Davies,
    I just wanted to write to you to thank you for basing one of your stories around one of my songs. Interesting that you use such old songs for your topical, observation humour.
    I was completely unaware of your blog until Tuesday when one of my aides drew my attention to your story. I must admit the story about 50 ways was relatively well written but I would like to point out this is hardly an original observation. I believe Johnny Carson did a routine on it back in the day, as did Jay Leno, I am sure Seinfeld may also have ‘noticed’ it too.

    However, despite this unoriginality I felt compelled to write, as I wanted to correct your misconception.
    Firstly I should make it plain that I did not write the song as a kind of manual for the wantaway lover and neither would I recommend it be used as such.

    Secondly, I will have you know that the first draft of the song I did indeed have 50 ways to leave your lover and I did include many of the ideas that you and your so-called readers (are you sure you are not inventing all your comments) came up with. The problem was the song was really very boring. Imagine a song that just said:

    It’s someone better you deserve, Merve
    I must confess I'm a man, Dan
    Fake your own death, Seth.
    I'm not ready, Teddy
    I'm not the right fella, Ella
    Can't fight the fate, Kate.
    Let's face the truth, Ruth
    You will thank me one day, Ray.

    It would be as boring as we didn’t star the fire by Billy Joel. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFTLKWw542g

    So thank you for pointing out the deficiencies in my song and thank you to your readers for coming up with ‘new’ ideas. But please never use one of my songs for inspiration again.

    Yours Sincerely

    Paul Simon

    Please note this is not the real Paul Simon

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh yeah!.. VIP as his career path ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  22. ..Most importart for me than the real one

    ReplyDelete