Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Blessed are the meek

Warning: This story has content that some people might find offensive. Please do not read on if you think that might be you. 

For audio click here 
Subtitle: What if Steve lived in Biblical times. 
"Don't talk to me about Jesus," Steve said, "I've never met a man so far up his own arse."
"I thought you two were friends," Johnny said. 
"We were, we were but not anymore." 
"Really? That’s a shame, he’s such a nice guy." 
"Oh yeah he's lovely on the surface; he knows how to push all the right buttons, but when he wants to be, he's a right scheming bastard."
“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound like the Jesus I know.”
"What happened?" 
"Well, you know the sermon on the mount?"
"Oh, yeah wow Jesus rocked that." 
"So I heard. But that was supposed to be my gig, I get told it's cancelled. Next thing I know, Jesus is headlining, and everyone is like ‘oh isn't he great’." 
"Oh, but he was good, blessed are the meek” Johnny did his best Jesus voice. “Genius." 
" That was my line, he stole that off me," 
"Yeah, yeah," Johnny shook his head.
"He did, I did that routine at Galilee. You weren’t there for that, but he was in the audience." 
"But everyone uses that line. That’s like saying, a knock! knock! joke is yours."
"I came up with it; Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth. I’ve got it written on a tablet somewhere and that judge not, that ye be not judged, what does that even mean? It's bollocks, but everyone goes mad for it."
"Well it means, you know, don't judge people." 
"So why doesn't he just say that. And anyway that's new is it? All of us have been saying don’t judge people for years, but old Golden Sandals says it, and it's flavour of the month.  And talking of which, when will he come up with something new? Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find. How many times have I  heard him say that? Rolling out the same old crap each time and people think it's original."
"Give him a break Steve, it's tough coming up with new stuff. Even if you are the son of God." 
"Son of God? Really? Don't tell me you've fallen for that. I heard that was just a story his mother's family came up with to hide the shame. She was only fourteen you know. Fourteen! And that stuff about being born in a barn! Have you been to Bethlehem? The Barn is a fucking five-star hotel." 
"No way, really?" 
"Way! Some say it’s a rehabilitation centre, but you didn’t hear that from me.” Steve tapped his nose. “The guy's a fraud, and to make it worse, I've just had my gospel rejected from his latest book. 
“The gospel according to Steve, I'd pay to read that,” Johnny said, and then looked at the empty glasses. “Hey Steve, do your trick with the water again.”
Steve waved his hand and they both took a gulp of wine.

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