A collection of short stories written by Gareth Davies author of novels Maggie’s Milkman and Extraordinary Rendition. Over 800 free short stories and 100 poems. Please note all works are first drafts. Enjoy, leave comments, share on social media and be inspired.
Check out the details of my novels here
Wednesday, 27 September 2017
Looking a gift horse in the mouth
Thank you very much for the gift voucher I received
with my shopping in store today. It really was very kind of you. It shows that
as well as being a hard-nosed multinational shopping chain, you do have a heart
of gold. Now please don’t think I am looking a gift horse in the mouth, three
pounds off my next in-store shop of over twenty pounds really is a most
generous gift and I really am most grateful.
Except it isn’t that generous, is it?
Because you know I will never, ever use it.
Thanks to the Tesco Clubcard, the little
loyalty card I bleep each time I shop, you know more about me than I do myself.
Your online shopping recommendations, suggest you know exactly how many eggs I
use a month, how much honey I like on my porridge and exactly how often I wipe
my bum. And the email offering my Tesco life insurance and money off gym
membership suggests you know just how unhealthy my diet is.
Therefore, you also must know that I haven’t
spent twenty pounds or more in-store for over a year and the likelihood of me
doing so is as remote as the chances of Theresa May being remembered as a fine
stateswoman. But you already know that because you know I use your wonderful
delivery service. Therefore, your offer of three pounds off my next twenty quid
shop is somewhat of an empty gesture.
But maybe there was a way to take advantage
of your wonderful offer.
My first thought was to give it to my
sister who, with two kids and a car, would probably be able to make use of it,
but no, my own generosity was scuppered by the small print, this coupon must be used by the Clubcard
I thought, I shall use your wonderful gift
for my online shopping, but no, the small print again, only for in-store purchases.
Ah, I thought, I shall buy a bottle of Welsh
whisky, but the small print says no alcohol.
Eureka, I exclaimed while lying in the
bath. I shall buy a twenty-pound gift card for seventeen pounds so I can use it
over several shops. But I hadn’t got it at all, you guessed it, no gift cards.
In fact, the small print is rather lengthy,
no infant milk, clothing, prescriptions,
stamps, phone top-ups, fuel, lottery, travel money, opticians, milk, cheese,
bread, fruit, tinned goods, and cereals. (I may have exaggerated a little,
but as the small print also forbids me from publishing the token, you will
Maybe, I thought, as I am such a valued
customer, Tesco will give me a similar offer when I check out of my online
shopping, but no, no offer, no three
pound off your next online shop, just a thank
you for shopping at Tesco.
So, thank you Tesco for your gift, I am off
to buy twenty pounds worth of potatoes for seventeen quid. (Oh no, just checked
the small print and potatoes are on the banned list.)