Thursday, 29 September 2016

Yellow Pages

For audio click here 
Be warned there is discussion of a sexual nature in this story.
“You're cursed mate,” Jimbo said.
“Don't be daft,” I replied. 
“Seriously, man, that Linda was a witch, she's cursed you.”
“Why on earth would she have cursed me?” I said, “that's nonsense.” I took a mouthful of beer and thought about what Jim had said. Although I didn't want to believe it, I had begun to think a similar thing myself. 
“What did she say when you left her?” Jim flicked ash somewhere near the ashtray.
“She said I'd regret it”
“She said you'd regret it. See she cursed you.” He sat back, his expression said QED. 
“That's not a curse, that's just a silly way of trying to get me to reconsider.” 
“She's a witch I tell you, she's got a black cat hasn't she?” 
“Mate, lots of women own black cats it, don't make them witches.”  I lit a new ciggie. 
“Did you ever hear her mumbling in Latin? Maybe stirring a big old cauldron? Polishing her broom stick?” 
“Jimbo, leave it!”
“Nine months without sex, that's not right.” Jimbo was like a cat with a mouse. “And let’s face it, you’ve hardly had a sniff.”
“That's a bit harsh. There was Laura.” 
“Yeah, and what happened to her?”
He was right, we were just getting down and dirty and she came out in a rash, like she was allergic to me. Same happened when we tried again a few days later. In the end, she dumped me, said her skin couldn't cope. 
“What about Hanka?” I said
“Yes, and you faffed around for ages and then when got her back to your place, her ex phoned, she went running.” Jim seemed to find this funny.
“Okay true, so I've had some back luck, but it's not a curse.”
“Then there was Lucy what happened to her again?” 
“I couldn't get it up.”
“What was that?” 
“Fuck off Jim, I was drunk.” 
“And, and, and, and, and,” Jim had obviously just remembered something.  “you even broke your right hand just after you walked out on Linda, so you couldn't even sex yourself. Now if that isn't a curse.” 
“I've got two hands.” I said, “I'm not cursed okay. But just in case I was, how would I lift it?”
“I guess you'd need to go back to Linda. Or maybe get a shaman in to do their magic. Cast a new spell over your private parts.” 
“Well, I'm not going back to Linda, know any shamen?” 

“Not off the top of my head, try the yellow pages.” Jimbo got up to get us a fresh beer, leaving me wondering how to lift this spell.

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