Facebook Tourette’s - A Steve Rant

Advert: 
This short story is brought to you by the author of Maggie's Milkman and Extraordinary Rendition. 

‘I think I am developing Facebook Tourette’s,’ Steve said as Johnny put the two pints he was carrying down on the table.

‘What on earth is that?’ Johnny said warily, he suspected there might be a rant on the way.

‘I’m struggling to control the overwhelming urge to leave rude comments on just about everyone else’s Facebook posts.’

‘But you are managing to control that urge?’ Johnny said, wondering if Steve had turned into one of those nasty, bullying internet trolls that you read about.

‘Yes, just about,’ said Steve ‘but it’s been close a few times, once or twice I’ve typed a reply and then pressed delete rather than send.’

‘Good,’ said Johnny.

‘But it’s difficult, I’m on the edge I tell you. I just don’t get it. When did Facebook become a self-help group? My wall is just full of lifestyle advice, nonsense quotes from gurus and famous people who probably never said them in the first place. You know like there’s no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs.’

‘Oh yeah’ Johnny chimed in, ‘I know you mean, I saw one this morning, you don’t have to be great to start but you have to start to be great.’

Steve made a face like he was throwing up into a bucket.

‘Why do people have to share this nonsense? It’s almost like a bloody religion, in fact exactly like a religion; contradictory, attributed to the wrong person and if we followed the advice we’d become the most boring people in the world.’ Steve sighed, Johnny nodded and they both took a mouthful of ale.

‘The ones I really hate are those awful Aunty Acid memes,’ Steve said and Johnny rolled his eyes in sympathy. ‘Who died and made her god? Why the hell should I listen to life advice from a pink haired cartoon who clearly has very low emotional intelligence?  I wouldn’t mind if they were funny, or wise, or intelligent but they’re mostly just lame.’

‘I think you are just jealous.' Johnny said. 'Jealous there are no Steve rants memes.
'God no, it's the Facebook equivalent of those office posters you know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.' Steve said putting on a silly voice.
'They aren’t that bad,’ 

‘No they are not,’ Steve agreed, ‘because things have just got worse. Now my timeline is full of exactly the same quotes, but instead of Aunty Acid they are brought to me by a bleeding Minion.’

‘A minion?’ Johnny said.

‘Yeah you know those annoying little yellow creatures that are from some film or other, but the quotes have no link to them, it's just stupid. I tell you, it’s killing me, but it's not so much the memes, they're bad enough but you know me I tend to speak my mind,’ 

'You can say that again,' Johnny smiled.

‘So it’s murder having to hold my tongue, you’re just not allowed to put your point of view on Facebook, as soon as you do, people accuse you of trolling.’

‘Well maybe it’s because you’re rude.’ Johnny suggested.

“I’m not being rude, I’m just stating an opposite opinion’ Steve complained, but they both knew he came across as rude.

‘You could always defriend people, or leave Facebook you know?’ Johnny said.

‘Nah that would be too easy,’ Steve said with a smile, ‘what would I have to complain about?’

Johnny rolled his eyes again, sometimes there was just no winning with Steve.

 Did you enjoy this free short story? If you did, then please consider buying one or both of my novels. Details available here.