Friday, 12 February 2016

Milk in Coffee - A Steve Rant

For any newcomers to the blog, Steve is a recurring character who likes to rant to his long-suffering friend Johnny about the little things in life. Here is an example. 
For audio click here.
“Since when is white coffee the default position?” Steve said when Johnny came back from the bar with the beers.
“This is Guinness mate, that’s the head on the top, not milk.” Johnny sat down smiling to himself, but Steve continued unperturbed.
“I was in a café today, ordered a filter coffee and the girl behind the bar put the milk in it for me.”
“Oh my god the poor girl?” Johnny covered his forehead with the palm of his hand.
“Why the poor girl? Why not poor me?” Steve looked genuinely hurt.
“Well I’m used to your cantankerous ways but that poor lass must have been shell-shocked after you’d unleashed your vicious tongue on her. Did they have to call an ambulance?”
“Fuck off, I’m not that bad.” Steve complained.
“I’ll be the judge of that," Johnny said.
“Anyway, she didn’t have to worry because I wasn’t that grumpy about milk, I was more annoyed with my reaction.”
Johnny grabbed the table dramatically. “Don’t tell me you didn’t say anything,” he said.
Steve nodded. Johnny feigned fainting.
“I was just terribly British. I took the cup and sat down without a word.” Steve was shaking his head like someone died. “I sat there thinking why am I drinking this sub-standard coffee? It wasn’t my fault. Yet I am the one being punished.”
“Jesus have you got a temperature?” Johnny asked.
“I very rarely complain.” Steve held his arms open wide like a guilty footballer trying to con the referee. “Do you ever see me complain?”
Johnny rolled his eyes, but to be fair he couldn’t think of a time when Steve complained to anyone apart from him. 
“So why didn’t you say anything? I would have.”
“I don’t know. There was a queue and I just didn’t want to be a nuisance.”
“But she’d made the assumption.”
“I know, I know it was her fault and it’s not as if it would have cost the café much to replace it. But no, instead of speaking up, I was meek and mild.”
Meek and mild weren’t words Johnny had ever associated with Steve before.
“And its been bugging me all day. All day I’ve been thinking of what I should have said. Coming up with witty retorts. Wishing I could turn the clock back.” Steve wiped some Guinness off the table with his hand.
“Let it go Steve.” Johnny said. “At least you are not lactose intolerant.”
Steve shook his head again.
“What I can’t understand,” Johnny continued. “Is why she put milk in without asking in the first place. Why is it their default position?”
“Saves on giving out little jugs I suppose.” Steve said.
“But you’d think they’d ask. I mean you can’t take milk out of coffee can you.”
‘Like you can’t make a fish from fish soup,” Steve agreed, quoting an old Polish saying.
“Wise words,” Johnny said, “Anyway next time, say something.”
Johnny pushed his chair back and head to the toilet.

Steve looked glum. “I will,” he said to Johnny’s back, but he knew deep down he probably wouldn’t.

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