Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Got Nothing

For audio click here 
So since I came back from the USA at the end of October 2014, I have published a story or poem on this blog every single work day (Monday to Friday including Bank Holidays). But today, I’m breaking that run. Today I have nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. Today I have a confession and an apology. You see I know I've claimed to be the author of nearly eight hundred stories over the last three and a half years, but actually, I may have been misleading you a little, or quite a lot.
It all started back in September 2013, I was in IKEA and I rubbed a table lamp. Out popped a genie who granted me one wish.
“Not three wishes?” I said,
“It’s IKEA mate,” He replied. I understood, cheap furniture cheap genies.
I said I would like to be able to write a story a day and the genie waved his magic wand and produced a Biblio 3000 called Steve. What Cliff Richard would call a walking, talking, living Droid. It's only a little thing, it looks a bit like that orange Star Wars droid, and it’s a little bit cheeky as well. But its special power is the ability to tell stories. All it needed everyday was a few simple prompts and within minutes a story would appear. It could anything, detective stories, gangster stories, love stories, a bit of sex (when he'd give me a red warning), and a bit of humour. Every now and again it would go off on a bit of a rant, getting upset about minor things like too much choice in cafes.It could even do post-modern crap.
I was in a dilemma. I wondered if I should pass the stories off as my own. It felt a bit wrong.  But then again I wasn't hurting anyone and I never dreamt that I would build up a readership as big as mine, so I thought, what the hell? The only thing My droid couldn't do was punctuate or spell, but then again, nor can I. So it made it all the more believable that the stories were mine.
Anyway today Steve was looking a bit poorly, a little run down. His voice was slurred, like a record on the wrong speed. I fed in the prompts but nothing came out. Nothing, zilch nic, nada. I was storyless. Poemless. I tried to write something. Look
“Once upon a time there was a small girl who lived in a big castle who had a cat.”

It just didn't work.
So I decided to come clean, after all recently, as the readership got into double figures and then peaked at 12, I was beginning to feel guilty about misleading the minority.
So I apologies to all of those who have thought these stories were mine and you'll all be pleased to know, Steve just needed a new battery. He'll be fully charged tomorrow and normal service will be resumed. 


  1. How could you ruin my Monday like that!!!??? You are heartless, insensitive and rude. I have been reading these bloody stories for 3 years and 5 months. It's difficult to find words to describe the utter disappointment I am feeling now. Hope you feel full of shame and remorse and behave yourself tomorrow

  2. Haha... It isn't Monday today, is it? Feels like Monday. Gosh

  3. F*** I really should not have wasted so much time in the morning doing my Monday morning routine: staying in bed for too long, thinking how unfair the world is for those who have to work, wondering whether not being able to get up means I have developed a serious case depression. I should have got up as fresh as a daisy feeling happy that the week is shorter than usual.
    BTW, funny you spotted my Monday mistake in the first place instead of defending yourself, apologising, or just saying that no stupid cow should offend you on Wednesday (Monday) morning just because you told the truth and admitted having no inspiration.

    1. Must be nice having a three day week.
      and to be fair I am not sure I had no inspiration this morning, sure it was a slightly odd story about a malfunctioning droid and a cheap genie but a post-modern meta story is better than no story at all.

    2. Mr Davies is taking things very seriously today. Of course, it was a good piece and fun to read. I was just referring to what you wrote in this story. Bad joke. Sorry. I'd better shut up for good

    3. Oh don't shut up for good :-) You would be missed

    4. I don't think so

    5. well you can only believe what you want to believe. But you would be