Wednesday 16 October 2013

enlightened by cosmopolitan



Warning - in red it must be serious - this stories contains themes of an adult nature. 


The female orgasm was discovered in 1985, I know that because I read a headline about it in a copy of Cosmopolitan that I’d found in the dentist’s waiting room. ‘It’s true,’ screamed the headline, ‘women have orgasms too.’ Well who knew? I thought to my 20 year old self as the dentist counted my teeth, women come too, well there’s a thing.

I don’t know if Louise already knew about this mythical beast or if she had visited the same dentist but for the next few months she became like a woman possessed. She was obsessed with having an orgasm. In the words of Lloyd Cole she’d been sexually enlightened by cosmopolitan and I was to become her toy, her slave, her path to the Promised Land of sexual satisfaction.  She was on a mission and nothing was going to stop her, except herself.

Our lovemaking became a quest for the holy grail, we’d spend hours searching for the right position, the right touch, the right moment, but like a toddler trying to pick up a football the closer we got the further away it was. I was beginning to think that Cosmo had been lying, that it was some sick joke, that in millions of bedrooms around the country men like me were fumbling around searching for something that didn’t exist.

Who could I turn to to ask? This was the 80’s, men didn’t speak about that kind of thing. There were boastful stories, innuendo and crude jokes but no intimate detail and the boastful stories only ever had one winner. There were no lads’ mags in those days where women shared their secrets, no phone-ins on mid-morning radio to talk to sex therapists, just snatched looks at Cosmo in dental waiting rooms.

Of course I know now that the more she wanted it the less chance she had of getting it but back then I think we were both just fumbling in the dark. I was certainly doing a lot of fumbling. To be honest sex was becoming a chore, I avoided it at all costs, it was no fun anymore. But I look back on it now with a sense of fondness. It was certainly a learning curve and …

and what? The problem is I don't know how to finish this story ... like a typical man I suppose I can't quite get the reader to that climax :-) 

4 comments:

  1. hmmmm... so maybe try to fall in love with your readers ... then forget the technique for a little while and just go with the flow, the passion...:):) i don't know myself :) but that was my first thought:) a nice thought at the start of the morning:)

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  2. Well, maybe it's not always about the climax. Maybe it's about the pleasure one feels all along the line. I'm talking about reading, of course :-D

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  3. I'm jealous of U2 doing your re-rehearsal on 80's ways to reach The Cure of your problem, while I enjoy an ET 'moving' more than a Grease.. I can't Gareth I can't... ;-)

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