The Game of Love

Seventeen years, seventeen years having sex with only one woman, he’d forgotten what it was like to see another woman naked, to touch different skin, to feel different contours, to smell new smells, the newness, the unpredictability, the surprise element. Seventeen years out of the dating game. But now thanks to Natasha’s decision to move in with Mike, Ivor had found himself back in the game. It had daunted him at first, but now well it all seemed so easy. His first night fishing and he had found the old cliché to be true. The sea was full of fish.

Jane was lovely, and as Ivor closed her front door behind him he hoped he’d see her again. But then his ‘walking on the moon’ mood evaporated, he froze.  He’d read Helen Fielding and Marion Keyes everybody had, he’d watched Friends and Sex in the City on cosy nights in with Natasha. It began to dawn on him that now he was just a fragile counter on the snakes and ladders board of love. So many questions began ripping through his head it was like watching mastermind on fast forward.

Name: Ivor Evans

Occupation: Admin assistant

Specialist Subject: The dating game

How long should you give it before you call her? Eh pass

Where should you take her on your first date? Eh pass

How far can you take it on your first date? Eh Pass

At this stage of the relationship can you or her see anyone else? Eh pass

You’ve shagged once but can you shag on the first date proper? Eh pass.

How long before you can leave a toothbrush at her place? Eh pass.

How long before it is acceptable to break wind in front of her or pee with the door open? Eh pass

God, he didn’t want to be part of the game, he didn’t want to have to bother with all that malarkey. He wished she would just phone him now, that way they could just get on with trying to build a relationship. He wouldn’t hate her for it, he wouldn’t think she was too keen, in fact he’d like her, respect her for being adult about it. Maybe he could call her, just to say thanks and arrange a meeting. But what impression would that make, would that make him look desperate? Or look like sad Norman no mates? Oh god he suddenly realised the game was taking over him, he was spiralling down into its murky depths, the vortex sucking him in.

Beep beep, beep beep Was his time up on Mastermind?

No it was a message. Ivor looked down at his phone.

Jane

Thanks  ;-)

God that’s a bit keen. He’d thought the thought before he could even think not to. The word desperate came flashing through his mind like a neon sign. Aaaargh the vacuum of the game was sucking him in against his will, he was being suffocated by it.

His mind was a mass of thoughts. Was he pleased by the message? Yes, no, sort of. She’d had a good night, she was thanking him, she was making contact, that was good wasn’t it? That’s what he wanted only a few seconds ago. But then he’d only left her house 5 minutes ago. That broke all rules of engagement. That was bad. What should he read into her message?  Bollocks, it was all too much.

Should he reply? If so, what should he reply? He typed in a reply

My Pleasure

No that sounded too arrogant.

No thank you

God no! Too cheesy

Shall we meet again?

Too keen? What to do? What to do? This first text message could define the whole relationship.

How about just a smily face:

:-)

Oh god this was awful. What should he reply?