Wednesday 14 May 2014

Lanyards - A Steve rant



‘How was the conference?’ Johnny regretted asking the question as soon as he saw Steve readjust his position. It had dawned on Johnny that Steve had a ranting pose and he was watching him shift into it right now.
‘It was good.’ Steve said much to Johnny’s surprise, that was not what he was expecting, ‘but ...’ Ah there it is, Johnny sat back and braced himself.
‘Do you know what I don’t like about conferences?’ Steve asked, Johnny knew full well it was rhetorical so didn’t even consider answering. ‘Name tags.’
‘Name tags?’ Johnny searched his brain wondering what on earth could be offensive about name tags.
‘Name tags,’ Steve repeated. ‘they are inherently sexist.’
‘Uh Steve, you and your inherent sexism, ‘ Johnny smiled. ‘ you see sexism everywhere are you sure you’re not imagining it?’
‘Now hear me out. You know how terrible I am with names,’ Johnny nodded it was a Steve thing that he could never remember anyone’s name. ‘ well at conferences I see loads of people I know I’ve met before, I recognise faces fine but not names. So I rely on the name badges to spare my embarrassment, the problem is that most women wear their name badge on their left breast, that means it looks like I am looking at their tits when I am talking to them.’
‘Well you only have to read the name you don’t need to stare.’ Johnny said in a teasing voice.
‘I know but even a quick glance looks dodgy enough. It’s okay with men, there’s nothing to see there, but with women it’s part of their attraction lets say.’
Johnny shook his head amazed at his friend’s propensity to see problems where none existed.
‘And at this conference they had the name tags on lanyards which is even worse.’
‘On what?’
‘Lanyards.’
‘er what’s that when their at home?’
‘A lanyard?’ Steve looked at his friend to see if he was joking. ‘It’s the material you put round your neck with a name tag on it, you know?’
‘Oh yeah. I never knew they’d had a name.’ Johnny said looking impressed. ‘Lanyard’ he repeated.
‘So now the both the men and women have their names down near their um crotch. So instead of just checking out the tits you are now forced to make a thorough appraisal.’
‘Or again you could just quickly glance down and read the name.’
‘I don’t linger, but I still have to look?’
‘So what do you suggest then Steve?’
‘I dunno maybe wear them on the shoulder or like a bow tie?’
Johnny laughed ‘Or maybe you should just stop being so paranoid.’
‘It’s not paranoia, it’s...’ Steve searched for the right word. ‘Respect.’
‘Well respect me and get to the bar.’ Johnny smiled holding out his empty glass for Steve to refill. Steve did as he was told heading to the bar shaking his head at the injustice of it all. 

2 comments:

  1. Haha... This story has just reminded me this joke: teacher's message to students: Dear Students,I know whenyoure texting in class.Seriously, no one looks down at their crotch

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    Replies
    1. ....smiling (that was the end of the message:))

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