I'm not going to lie to you - A Steve Rant

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‘I have a work colleague,’ Johnny hated it when Steve started a conversation like that, Steve seldom sang the praises of his colleagues. ‘Who starts every other sentence with the phrase, “I’m not gonna lie to you,” You know, I’m not gonna lie to you but that pie was lush. I’m not gonna lie to you but I was minging last night etc, etc.’

‘Like Nessa,’ Johnny said.

‘What?’ Steve replied.

‘Like Nessa in Gavin and Stacey, she said that all the time.’

‘Oh yes, like Nessa.’ Steve nodded and took a mouthful of beer. ‘Anyway, why does she need to say it, why does everything of any importance have to be prefixed with those 6 pointless words. Does she think that we think she is going to lie to us?  Who expects people to lie to them, unless you are talking to politicians of course? Maybe she does normally lie to us. Maybe everything she says is a big fat porky so when she does tell the truth, she has to make it clear she’s not lying. Maybe I won’t believe a word she says in future, so when she tells me she’s finished a report I will ignore her. Maybe it is an elaborate game of Simon Says.' Steve took a swig of beer. 'Anyway why is she wasting my time with stupid phatic language? I should bloody invoice her for my time she is wasting. But worse it is spreading so now other people are saying it, now we have a whole office of people telling us they are telling the truth.

‘It’s for emphasis isn’t it?’ Johnny said.

‘I know what it’s for but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. For me it makes sense if it goes before bad news, you know I’m not gonna lie to you but it’s going to be a tough few months ahead, is fine, but saying I’m not gonna lie to you the new security guard is ripped, makes no sense whatsoever.’ Steve still said whatsoever in the style of a long forgotten teacher.

‘You know what I hate?’ Johnny said. ‘At the end of the day.’

‘Ach.’ Steve threw his head back in agreement.

‘What does it even mean?’ Johnny said. ‘I can’t even see that it adds emphasis. If you found 10 examples when it was used and deleted it, the sentences wouldn’t be any poorer, I’m not gonna lie to you but at the end of the day it is literally pointless.’ Johnny smiled,

‘Nice,’ Steve laughed.

‘But…’ Johnny said, ‘I have to pick you up on something you said.’

Steve looked aghast.

‘You said I have a work colleague, well what other type of colleague would you have?’

‘Piss off!’ Steve said smiling and getting up to go to the bar.