Carry on - A Steve Rant

‘I bet that was carry on.’

‘What?’ said Johnny confused by his friend’s sudden change of topic. They had been talking about the rugby.

Steve nodded in the direction of two lost looking tourists checking their map outside the pub. Two chunky suitcases and two heavy rucksacks by their feet. ‘That, I bet it was carry on.’

‘You’ve lost me,’ said Johnny fearing that Steve was about to go off on one ‘Carrion? do you think they have dead animal in there?’

‘Carry on, as in luggage, as in aeroplanes you muppet.’ Johnny was smiling at his own attempt at humour but as usual he was alone in his mirth.

‘You know I was away the other week, well when I was coming back there were two muppets like them two, with bags as big as that, then rucksacks, laptop and duty free bag, all as carry on luggage.’

‘That is a bit annoying.’ For once Johnny agreed with his prickly friend, but that didn’t stem the flow.

‘It’s so fucking selfish, why can’t they just check it in? I bet they say it saves them time at the other end, well who is so busy that they can’t wait 15 minutes for a bag, have you ever waited more than 15 minutes?’ Johnny shook his head in agreement ‘Twenty tops but because their fucking time is so fucking precious  they cause discomfort for the rest of us.’ Steve took a swig of his pint. ‘Selfish bastards.’

‘And’ said Johnny, this was unchartered territory. Johnny had never joined in a rant before, who knew where this would lead? ‘Have you ever noticed that the ones with the biggest bags are always in a rush to be on the plane first, why?’

‘So they can get their luggage up in the overhead compartments.’ Steve had taken over, they were singing from the same hymn book now. ‘So they don’t have to have it under the seat in front of them’

‘So they have all the comfort as well as all the space.’ Johnny chipped in ‘leaving you no room to put your legitimate 1 item of luggage up and so having to sit with it between your legs all flight. I don’t know why the airlines let them get away with it.’

‘Cos they don’t care, in fact they encourage it; it means they save on baggage handling fees and have quicker turn-arounds.’

‘Ah really? I’d never thought about that. Bastards!’ Johnny shook his head.

‘Anyway no point dwelling on something we can’t change, same again?’

Johnny looked at Steve askance; was he being serious? Dwelling was what Steve did, Steve was a dweller, Steve dwelt, it was his raison d'être. But Steve was straight-faced, the irony of what he’d said utterly lost on him. Johnny nodded in disbelief and let his friend buy the next round.