Monday, 3 April 2017

The Lion

For audio click here 
Five fifteen is far too early for anything let alone catching a bus to Heathrow. No one was fully awake, not even the driver and we all hoped the coach seats would quickly be surrogate beds and the journey would pass by in the land of nod. 
They say if you snooze you lose, but sometimes it's the complete opposite. I wasn't snoozing just yet and I was feeling like a complete loser. Coming from behind me was the most guttural snoring I’d ever heard. A rasping, drilling, purring, snore that shook the windows of the bus and echoed down the aisle; my bones vibrated to its rhythm. 
I was faced with a three-hour journey of antsy, fidgety tiredness while listening to some bastard enjoying his or her one hundred and forty winks. But I smiled, I’d got a cunning plan.  I could go to the toilet and try to clatter and bang so much that I'd wake the snorer and then hopefully, I get to sleep before him or her. 
I swung the plan into action; this was my only chance, I had to get this right. I slammed the toilet door open, making sure the seat crashed down and then slammed the door shut.
When I came out, I was equally clumsy and I glanced at the back seat to see if I'd woken the snorer. It was then that I was glad my plan hadn’t worked because spread across the back seats was a huge lion. I tiptoed down the bus, less intent now on waking up the noise polluter.
“There's a lion on the bus,” I told the driver.
“Oh yeah,” said the driver, “that's Lucy. She's harmless.” 
Harmless? it was a bloody lion, the queen of the jungle, not usually known for their harmlessness. 
The next hour or so passed not in antsy, fidgety, tiredness, but in nervous, fidgety alertness as I kept an eye on the beast on the back seat. 
Just before it Heathrow, it woke up and decided to stretch its legs, prowling down the aisle looking at the passengers. 
“Hello folks,” the driver got on the mic. “It looks like Lucy has woken up, I promise you she is harmless, but please don't pull her tail.” 
A lion's tail up close is one of the most pullable things in the world. Being told not to pull it just makes the temptation greater. The four-year-old in the seats two down from me just couldn't resist that temptation. 
If I'd thought the snoring was loud, it was nothing compared to the roar. The bus shook with its rage. In a flash the lion turned and lashed out, the four-year-old didn't stand a chance, but the lion enjoyed its meal. 

1 comment:

  1. I'll have what you are having, Mr Davieeees:-)

    "A lion's tail up close is one of the most pullable things in the world" - ROTFL:-D May your day be as hilarious as this story is (sorry I am not sympathizing enough with the four-year-old:-))