Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Dear Mr EU

For audio click here
Dear Mr. EU, 
Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on the way you are dealing with your recent divorce. To be honest, I never liked that Britain that much anyway, she was always a bit of a floozy, (you know, I think she was seeing the Commonwealth behind your back and god knows what that special relationship with the US is all about.) She was always so stroppy too, always wanting to change you and not listening to your points of view. You’ll be better off without her. I hear Serbia’s single and Turkey. Get yourself on Tinder, you never know. 
Anyway, I am writing to you about the start of Summer Time that occurred this weekend. 
Despite making the evenings longer, this clock change always proves to be unpopular as the spring forward deprives us hard-working families of a crucial hour’s sleep. Often this leads to a week of grouchiness as our bodies struggle to deal with the time change, Farage has been an absolute nightmare this last few days and look what the lack of sleep has done to the Daily Mail. So, I’ve had an idea that I think will make the change a much more popular one. (Let’s be honest you need all the good PR you can get at the moment.)
Why not do this time change change at 2pm on a Friday afternoon rather than at 2am on a Sunday morning? This way people will be happy to see the hour disappear as it will hasten the stat of the weekend and will not affect our sleep in any way. Similarly, the fall back in autumn could be made at 2pm on a Sunday, allowing us all an extra hour to relax after our Sunday roasts, or an hour to do the little odd jobs we need to do, like cutting our toenails, before the start of the working week. It will also give our washing an extra hour to dry, always a pain in October before the heating comes on. 
I am sure you will agree that these are excellent ideas and I look forward to you implementing them very soon, preferably before we leave so we get the benefit over on the naughty step too. 
Yours loyally 
Gareth Davies 
P.S. Please don’t leave us. Please don't leave us with these nasty people.  Take us with you. Fight for us. Okay, at least promise you’ll come to visit and take us on nice day trips. Please. Please.   

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious:-) Looking at your absolutely gorgeous ground-breaking ideas, I think, that the EU should open the Ministry of Happiness and employ you as their Special Expert Advisor on different matters beginning from how to innovate time change or how to seduce Serbia. Where will they find a better expert! Maybe you could even figure out how to win Britain back:-)