Monday, 15 May 2017

YouTube Sensation

For audio click here 
The problem with the internet is that every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks that a one little sing song on a train platform will turn them into a YouTube sensation and see them going viral quicker than herpes in a knocking shop. Visit any train station at eleven pm on a Friday or Saturday and there is a gaggle of men or a gaggle of women trying to get the whole platform to sing Erasure’s Respect or REM’s Losing My Religion or some other pop singalong hit that will “melt” the internet. Tonight, it was a group of women who should have left the Karaoke in the pub. It was like a bad re-enactment of a 1970’s edition of Top of the Pops; Save All Your Kisses for Me, Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Green Green Grass of Home, all belted out without the minimum knowledge of the tune, the words, or the beat. 
“Dancing Queen,” they started up. 
“Come on you miserable bastards, join in,” one of the larger ladies yelled, throwing her arms out and spinning around in the way only drunken women in their late forties can. If Dad dancing is an insult, why is there no mum dance?
“What’s wrong with you?” she said. “It wouldn’t hurt you to have a sing song, Half of you can’t even smile. It’s Saturday fucking night, lighten up you fucking losers.” 
Now, I don’t know if seagulls love Abba and are sworn to protect their songs from mortal danger, or if they hate Abba so much it drives them to violence no matter how off key it is, or maybe they don’t like being called fucking losers or maybe one of the women was hiding chips in her cleavage, whatever the reason six, seven, eight of them swooped down from god knows where and attacked the women. It was a mad blur of wings and beaks, and squawks that were more in tune than the singing. The women tried to defend themselves while other the ‘fucking losers’ on the platform waved handbags and umbrellas to try to scare the monster seabirds away. Eventually, the gulls retreated satisfied with the work. There was blood, scraps of clothes and small bunches of hair spread across the platform but not a feather to be seen. Sobs had replaced songs. Within minutes, paramedics were running up to the steps, tending wounds and leading the women away to the waiting ambulances. Then, finally the train rolled in and the rest of us could make our escape. 
But there was one silver lining. The women will be pleased to know that their Saturday night singalong has become an overnight YouTube sensation. 

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