Monday 8 December 2014

The Green Jumper



The green jumper was probably the worst item of clothing I'd seen in the last 5 years. It really was horrendous. I wonder what shade of green you'd call it, I think probably lime green but actually most limes I see these days are darker than this, maybe pistachio ice cream green, with a hint of luminosity. In fact more than a hint, I'm pretty sure if there had been a power cut the jumper would have provided enough light for us all to feel safe. But it wasn't just the colour, the round neck sweater had a 1980’s wallpaper pattern; a funky rope type pattern, in lines down the body. It really was, to my eyes,  a hideously cheap looking piece of knitwear.
But what do my eyes know? Obviously nothing. John was telling me about the magic of the jumper.
‘It’s amazing,’ he said taking a swig of beer. ‘This jumper attracts women like a lightbulb attracts moths.’
‘Bullshit!’ I said not believing a word, I could believe it might attract the moths but not the women.
‘It’s true,’ John protested. ‘Last week a woman on a train started talking to me, no one ever talks to me on a train and the week before, I got the number of a woman in a bar.’
‘And you think it’s the jumper?’
‘Well what else can it be?’
‘Maybe they see that jumper and feel sorry for you. Decide that you need a good woman to take care of you and buy you decent clothes.’
‘Oi I like this jumper.’ He said indignantly
Just then two women walked by and looked at us, or should I say they looked at John, I was only in their line of vision because of my proximity to jumper boy.
‘It must be your hair or something, it’s not that jumper.’ I said equally indignant. ‘It looks like a cold weather hi-vis jacket.’ I joked.
John went to the bar to refresh our drinks and when he came back he had that stupid grin on his face, the one that signals success with women.
‘What’s with you?’ I said, not really wanting to know the answer.
‘Well you know Pippa?’
‘The barmaid?’ Pippa was lovely, all smiles and curves. We both flirted terribly with her, so terribly, it never worked.
‘Yep, the barmaid and my date tomorrow night.’
I couldn’t believe it, how? I sat there with my mouth open, lost for words. Eventually the cat gave me my tongue back but all I could think to say was.

‘So where did you buy that jumper?’

3 comments:

  1. Hilarious, Mr Author :-)

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  2. does it also work for a woman who wants to seduce a man? :-) there is one guy I fancy but he isn't interested in me:-(

    :-) :-)

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