General Science

I ran out of things to say at about 8.15 and the date had only started at 8pm. Our small talk was tiny and in short supply. During that 15 minutes we had also ordered food and wine and now we were sitting waiting for it to arrive in near silence. This was turning into the first date from hell, my questions were met with one word answers, my anecdotes with monosyllabic grunts.

She was beautiful, perfect skin big blue eyes, tumbling mousy blonde hair, she had legs that went on for ever. She looked like she’d just stepped off the catwalk and straight into dog poo. What good are looks if there was no chemistry. And our chemistry was so bad it was like we were doing general science GCSE and everyone knows that is just for the real thickos.

She asked no questions and gave nothing away. Most of my friends tell me I have the gift of the gab but tonight I was like a husband who’d forgotten his wedding anniversary, the only gift I had were petrol station roses that were fading fast. I was secretly willing the food to come so I could eat and put my escape plan into action.

‘So you work in television?’ I tried again.

‘Yes.’ she said.

‘That sounds exciting but I bet everyone tells you that.’

‘They do.’ she said.

We sat in silence until the food came.

‘Oh this looks nice,’ I said.

‘Uh’ She replied and tucked into the food with the enthusiasm of an anorexic tortoise.

As soon as the waitress took our plates away I checked my phone. I noticed her do the same thing. We could have been on the synchronised phone fiddling team - we were perfectly coordinated. 

‘Oh no, my flatmate is locked out, I need to go,’ we both spoke the exact same words at the exact same time, perfect harmony. For the first time that evening we were in unison, singing of the same hymn sheet.

She smiled, that was a first. We paid our bll and agreed to never see each other again.