Steve's Last Stand

‘I’ve worked out my philosophy of life.’ Steve said as he slumped down into his seat, plonking two beers onto the table.

‘Good to see you too.’ Johnny said sarcastically, he was used to his mate starting the evening in the exact same place as they left off last time or even half way through a conversation Steve had started with somebody completely different in work.

‘Sorry, hi, how are you,’ Steve said in a rare moment of self-awareness, but before letting Johnny answer, Steve was back on topic.

‘So, you know that I can rant a bit now and again.’ Steve said.

Johnny’s mouth fell open. ‘Now and again?’ he said. Steve ignored him.

‘Well think about the things I go on about, smoking electric cigarettes in pubs, putting on nail varnish on a plane, spitting in the street, taking huge suitcases on planes, people using camera phones left, right and centre and posting the results on Facebook. They all have one thing in common.’ Steve took a pause to take a mouthful of beer.

‘Which is?’ said Johnny not really seeing the link that Steve’s brain had concocted.

‘Well I was sitting on a train the other day and there was a mother with her young child. The kid was well enough behaved but the mother wasn’t. The mum was using the iPad as the baby sitter. First it was a TV showing cartoons, then a games console. Now iPads in the hands of kids are noisy bloody things. When adults use them they use headphones, but for some reason kids don’t, so the whole carriage gets to enjoy Bob the Builder or Angry Birds laughing at pigs.’

‘Right,’ said Johnny still wondering where this link was.

‘I wondered what would happen if the rest of us turned on our iPads, watched Seinfeld or played Candy Crush without headphones.’ Steve mused.

Johnny pulled a face that signalled that he would not be a fan of that.

‘It’d be a cacophony of competing noises,’ Steve said. ‘So it dawned on me, my philosophy is what if everyone else did it? All of those things are okay if only one person does them, but if everyone puts on nail varnish on a plane then we’d all suffocate, if we all electronically smoke in pubs, then pubs would be horrible again, if we all spit on the street, then we’d be walking in rivers of …’

‘Okay I get your point,’ Johnny said but it was too late the image was in his mind.

‘So what upsets me is that some people think they are above the law of what if everyone else did it?’

‘Hmm,’ Johnny was nodding. ‘I see your point. if one person does something it is not so bad but because if we all did it, it would make life unbearable, nobody should do it.’

‘Exactly,’ said Steve looking in surprise at his empty glass. Johnny took the hint.

‘Just one thing,’ Johnny said doing his best Colombo impression. ‘What if everyone ranted?’